Feeling meh

You know when all your emotions just seem to all pile up and all of a sudden you just feel really weighed down by them? Perhaps its just me though. Well recently I have started to feel this way, for a few different reasons and perhaps some unknown as well. 

Friendships have been getting me down recently. Out of my close knit friends I was the only one to go straight to university after high school. They were then all left at home working for the year. During this time I didn't get to see much of them which was understandable as home isn't very close to my university. It made me a bit sad at times as I felt I was missing out on so much with them however when summer came we all slotted back into our usual group and everything was great. This year and specifically this semester though I have been feeling the whole situation a lot more. It's made me sad thinking that we hardly see each other especially as we only live half and hour away now. In my opinion I feel like I have made more of an effort to keep in touch, though I know that I have not been great at all either. I just wish that we could all be as close as we used to be, we had so many great times. Perhaps though we were meant to drift apart a little and find some more people to be friends with. Apparently some friendships come and go. I just find it all a bit sad. 

Last August saw the very sad passing of my Grandpa which was very hard for the family and still is. My Grandpa did a lot for me, some things that when I was younger I probably didn't appreciate as much as I do now. Now I can see how he helped me with things I wanted to achieve and I appreciate  everything so much. With a death though there is always a lot to sort out. The ongoing thing at the moment is sorting out all of my grandpas and my grannies things from the house. Everyone is of course aloud things of my grandparents and it's sorting out who is getting what that is that prolonged task at the moment. I keep getting asked what I would like and I never have an answer. It's hard. I feel like everyone is getting too caught up in all the 'who is aloud what' and 'how many things' type thing. I'm not even really interested anymore. I can't get into it at all because something about it just feels so wrong. Even though it does have to be done...It's probably because I still can't quite believe he is gone. 

Exams are another stress at the moment. I just keep worrying too much about them that studying then becomes this big impossible task. I have always been a really crap studier. There has never been a method to my studying which is probably part of the problem. I just want some really good grades and I want to be able to make my parents proud with them. I myself want to be proud of them. It seems so impossible though. I've not had drastically bad results in the past but they have never been as good as I wanted. Whenever I feel like the exam went well I never do well. I think I just need to stop worrying so much and get down to it. You can only try your best!

Well i'm not sure whether to post this or not. I don't know if  i'm quite confident enough to put my emotions out there to the world yet. I haven't even properly managed to explain my feelings. That's part of my problem, I find it hard to explain how I am feeling.

Anyways here we are.

x